


If I Could Tell You

by mxalele



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Gay, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, My First Fanfic, POV Third Person, Pining, Songfic, The Author Regrets Everything, aghhh, its bad, my small homosexual sons, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 23:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11069256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxalele/pseuds/mxalele
Summary: "Every time you smiled, I thought that maybe things would be okay."Evan had always meant to tell Connor how he felt.





	If I Could Tell You

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to my main man jaci for being my beta reader. you're a cool mango.

 

"Hey, Connor." Evan mumbled, sitting down with his legs crossed. The air was cold and the ground was damp. His hands were shaking.

"I always loved your smile. It was just..perfect. Sort of subtle, I guess. Every time I saw it, I felt wonderful. Every time you smiled, I thought that maybe things would be okay."

Evan laughed softly, closing his eyes. Connor. Evan had always felt a spark when the two were together, and when Connor was with him, he didn't feel quite so alone.

"And then you always scribbled stars on the cuffs of your jeans when you got bored. Remember?" Evan had started doing the same, and Connor had laughed when he found out.

"You read Zoe's magazines when you thought she wasn't looking, but she knew it was you because you always filled out those little quizzes." When Evan had found out about that, he had been the one to laugh. Connor had smiled, and then Evan would rest his head on his shoulder and they would talk.

Evan had noticed it all, but he hadn't ever said a word about how much it had affected him. He scratched at his cast, glancing down at the lettering. The name scrawled across his arm was all he had now. Connor had held his hand when he had signed it.

"And then there was that time you tried to color your hair black, but it came out purple. Indigo, actually. I still thought you looked great." Connor had always thought Zoe had been behind the switch up.

"I kept everything inside my head and never said a word. Never, because you were my only friend." They had gone swimming together. Evan hadn't been able to swim, so Connor had wrapped his arms around his waist and helped him. Connor would pull his hair back when they swam, and sometimes Evan would put a flower in his hair when Connor wasn't looking.

"If I had told you everything that I saw. I should have said you were everything to me, should have let you know." He opened his eyes, closing his hands into fists, and then he was crying. Tears were running down his face and he hated how pathetic he felt. He shook as the sobs racked his lithe frame. He wished Connor was there, wished Connor understood. Wished he had said something. "But, I didn't even know how to start."

He looked down at the gravestone.

"If I could tell you."


End file.
